Summertime and The Living Is Easy

Summer calls us to get outside and have fun. Thankfully, we can do that this summer after a very strange 2020. Even the cicadas have gone, leaving us with the peace and quiet of a summer morning. We want to encourage you to embrace this summer as a time for restoration and renewing resilience. The stress and challenges of dealing with pandemic changes and adjustments has taken a toll on all of us. Here are some suggestions for practices of Easy Living this summer which will be restorative for you.

1. Start and end your day with 10 conscious breaths. Take a slow and deep inhale and a long, deep exhale. Repeat 10 times. Feel the movement of the breath in the lower belly. Carry the stillness into your day, or into your sleep.

2. Becoming more aware of the senses is very restorative and summer is a sensuous picnic. Draw in all of the lush colors of green surrounding you outdoors. Notice the fragrances in the morning air. Feel the touch of a breeze on your skin. And, then all those delicious tastes of summer, enjoy the sweet cold of watermelon, the crunch of corn on the cob, or ice cream melting in your mouth.

3. the body loves to move, make sure you enjoy time in movement everyday. If you are not ready for vigorous exercise take a walk, lay on a mat and see how the body would like to stretch or put on some music and get your dancing shoes moving

4. Make sure you don’t miss the opportunity to float this summer. Whether in the pool, the lake, the ocean, enjoy the complete letting go of being held in the buoyancy of the water.

We wish you a fabulous summer of restoration and renewal.

To you on Mother’s Day…

To the new moms struggling with sleepless nights and finding their new identity.

To the seasoned moms working hard to keep it all together.  

To the mothers who have lost children, those met and unmet.  

To those who have lost their mother and feel lost in a world without them.  To those who have no relationship with their mother, chosen by them or chosen for them.  To those who have chosen not to be mothers and fight the societal norm every day.  To those who long to be mothers and count the months and days to “try again.” 

To those who suffer with infertility & secondary infertility and face the guilt & shame, and  feelings of failing as a woman. 

I see you; I hear you, and I want you to know… You are not alone.  

Despite the positive narrative of Mother’s Day, it is important to remember that this  holiday has so many emotional layers beneath the surface. These emotions are sensitive  and run deep as the feelings of sadness, anger, profound grief, and jealousy are so easily  triggered.  

For many, Mother’s Day is a reminder of what never was or what no longer is. Some are  struggling with their new identity as a mother, as motherhood changes you in profound  ways. Some have endured the immense pain of losing a child and many have experienced  the deep loss of their own mother. Some disregard Mother’s Day with the experience of  dysfunction and traumatic abuse from their mothers failing them at a young age. And many have experienced the journey to motherhood with struggles of infertility and secondary  infertility along the way.  

So, on this Mother’s Day here is an invitation to you… 

• Take care of yourself 

  • Think of whatever you need to get through this day – And give  yourself permission to do just that. Very often, women put others before themselves. Today, hold no obligation to anyone, but you.

• Practice self-love and self-compassion 

  • Check the inner critic at the door. Any negative thoughts that come up,  any thoughts about your shortcomings, feelings of inadequacy… acknowledge them and move on.  

• Respect and validate your feelings

  • The feelings you experience are difficult and real. Create a sacred  space for these feelings to exist and care for these feelings gently. 

• Take a break from social media 

  • Disconnect for the day (or two) and protect your heart from triggering  pictures and posts.  

• Ask for what you need  

  • Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. Need to sleep? Need some  space? Need a good distraction? Need a hug? Being mindful of your  needs, and your needs only, and be direct with yourself and those around you . 

And for those in supportive roles, wondering how to navigate this day… 

• Listen  

  • Show up in the quiet, be present, and be attentive. Listen with  compassion and an open heart and let them know their feelings are  heard. 

• Do not assume… 

  • It is okay to want to be mindful and possibly feel the need to avoid the  topic of Mother’s Day all together but provide those the opportunity and permission to decline invitations and conversations. Give room  for those to make their own decision on their tolerance of the holiday.  

• Ask them what they need 

  • Ask them what they need from you… Do they need space? Do they  need frequent check ins? What can you do to help? 

• Leave the advice at the door 

  • Being present and engaging in active listen, refrain from using  statements like, “At least…” and “Be grateful…” Offer compassion, tell  them you love them, and validate their feelings. 

In conclusion, I leave you with this: 

For anyone out there who needs to hear this… You are not alone. Your feelings are  normal. And every day is a journey, despite the road you are on. Let us be mindful on this  day and always.  

“The only thing worthy of you is compassion – invincible, limitless, unconditional.” -Thich Nhat Hanh  

*This post is in no way to take away from the joy and all the good that comes from  Motherhood – but to offer some mindfulness to Mother’s Day as a whole. 
Written by: Nina Davey, LCPC, ATR-BC

Stress. What do you do about it?

April is National Stress Awareness month. As we mark one year since life, as we knew it, came to a pause, there is no better time to reflect on the stress we’ve endured personally and collectively and find some new ways to manage stress. For many, the stress before the pandemic was exhausting enough. The added pandemic stress, relationship stress, financial stress, increased isolation, work stress, national upheaval…and overall traumatic stress of living through a pandemic may have felt, at times, unmanageable and unbearable. In times of stress, you may notice that you act on urges and impulses that take you away from who you are and the present moment. Here are some stress reduction tips and tricks our therapists use to help their clients manage stress more effectively.

1. Stay attentive to the body’s experience. This is where stress exists. This might include doing a body scan visualization while breathing into areas of tension or tightness. Pause and take a moment to just notice where you are in time and space.

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation exercises are a great way to destress. Click HERE for the script.

3. Get outside for at least 15 minutes each day. Get out into nature (take a walk, hike, sit outside, do some gardening).

4. Daily “Brain Dump” Journal for 15 minutes.

5. Art Journaling – spend 10-15 minutes drawing. Pay attention to what comes up and allow it to guide you.

6. Stress Scribbling – Think about the stressor(s) and notice how your body feels. Draw a scribble that represents the stress and then continue scribbling for 15-30 seconds. Notice how you feel after scribbling. This can be repeated until you notice a change to the feeling. 

7. Go back to the basics! This may include eating food that makes you feel good, drinking water, getting enough sleep, moving your body in a way that feels positive (stretching, walking, etc.), taking care of illness.

8. Aroma Therapy- this may include essential oils or candles that are relaxing like lavender. 

9. Review boundaries and set them as needed

10. Set a timer to remind you to take breaths each hour.

It may take some experimenting to find what works best for you. Studies suggest that focusing on stress reduction strategies for 5-20 minutes daily or in small increments of time reduces overall stress and feelings of overwhelm with time.

You've heard of it ... But what exactly is EMDR?

Some of you come to The Counseling Center because you want EMDR therapy. Others of you have never heard of it, or maybe you’ve heard of it but aren't really sure what it is. What, exactly, is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a big fancy title for a type of therapy that is ideal for trauma and breaking persistent patterns of thinking. In fact, it's one of the only methods of therapy that has been endorsed by the Veterans Association to treat veterans with PTSD. That's a big deal!

But you don't need PTSD to benefit from EMDR. Most of us have negative patterns of thinking like ''I'm worthless" or "I don't deserve love" that have been with us since childhood.

Those thought patterns, just like flashbacks from a trauma, get "stuck" in the brain. And when a trauma or thought pattern gets stuck, it's not easy to change it. We've all tried to stop intrusive thoughts and sometimes no matter how much we want to stop the thoughts, we can't.

EMDR Therapy specifically targets those "stuck" areas in your brain. Don't worry, it's not as scary as it sounds. In fact, most clients find it not only extremely helpful, but also relaxing. Using tones in a headphone and little buzzers that you hold in your hand (or moving your eyes from side to side), your EMDR therapist will walk you into some particular thoughts and memories that have been discussed in advance, and then we just let your brain do the work it needs to do to heal.

All of us here at The Counseling Center are trained in this type of therapy because we have seen how effective it is. It is remarkable.  If you want more information, you can visit the EMDR website at www.emdr.com or www.emdria.org.  Or schedule an appointment with one of our therapists to see how EMDR might help you!

Written by Stacy Stoddard, LCMFT

Four Tips to Improve Your Intimate Relationship

In the film ‘Eat, Pray, Love,’ the main character tells a story about her friend Deborah:

“Deborah, a psychologist, was asked by the city of Philadelphia if she could offer psychological counseling to a group of Cambodian refugees, ‘boat people’ who had recently arrived in the city. Deborah was daunted by the task. These Cambodians had suffered genocide, starvation, witnessed relatives murdered before their eyes, spent years in refugee camps, and endured heroic boat trips to the west. How could she relate to their suffering? How could she help these people?” The main character who plays Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the book ‘Eat, Pray, Love,’ went on to say that the Cambodian people wanted to talk with her friend Deborah, the psychologist, not about the trauma and suffering they had experienced as result of fleeing their country, but about their love relationships. They wanted to talk about the love they had found, the love they had lost, and the love they were missing and wanted back…all about a special guy or girl whom they couldn’t stop thinking about. Elizabeth Gilbert found herself thousands of miles away from home going to talk to a medicine man about the very same issue: her love life.

Why is it that so many people are consumed with their love relationship? These relationships touch a very deep place within us. The concerns seem to fall into three categories:

• People who have had their heart broken by someone they love and just can’t seem to recover.

• People who are currently in a relationship and are concerned that the relationship is not working.

• People who are looking to find the right person with whom to spend their lives.

In this blog posting I would like to focus on some tips for those who are in a current relationship and feel that it is not working. In future blog postings, I would like to address more tips for current relationships, as well as tips for those who are trying to get over a past relationship, and tips for those who are looking for the right person to be with.

So, here goes:

Tips for Improving Your Current Love Relationship:

1. Be willing to listen. Try to hear what your partner is telling you when he/she speaks. Pause. Don’t think about what you are going to say next, just listen. Let your partner know what you think they are saying. Let them tell you if you heard it accurately or if there is something they need to clarify. Stay calm.

2. Provide safety for your partner. Remember that you are both on the same side ultimately. Your partner is not your enemy. Your partner is your friend. How can you speak to your partner in a way that allows them to feel respected and not attacked? When either of you escalate, the discussion is over for the moment and needs to resume later after a cooling off period.

3. Laugh together. Remember when you met your partner and you had countless moments together talking and making each other laugh? Where did that go? Bring the humor back into the relationship. You may have to work hard to find it again, but you will.

4. Devote time to the relationship. You two need time together and without your children or your friends. It may be very difficult if you have children, but it is essential that you make it happen on a regular basis. Get off the sofa or away from the computer. Turn off the cell phone. Think of a creative way to spend time together. Surprise your partner and ask him/her to surprise you. Make it a priority. And make a rule that you won’t talk about your problems on the date.

Written by Linda Beam, LCSW-C