Being With What Is
/By Gayle Bohlman, LCSW-C
Notice how easy it is to be with things when they are going your way, it is as you think it should be, there is pleasure and ease with what is happening. No problem with a 75 degree sunny day with a gentle breeze. Not so much when it is 6 degrees in the morning as it was recently. No problem when you are with friends or family with whom you feel safe and cared about. Not so much when you feel misunderstood or rejected. No problem when you are with those of like mind and values who endorse your point of view. Not so much when you are with those of a completely alternate mindset.
We are in times that demand a capacity for being able to be with things that are not as we wish or enjoy, and really life is always delivering some of that, sometimes more than others. Our instinctive response to getting what we don’t like or want is RESISTANCE. It really is an instinct driven by our brain’s default system of seeking its own safety and satisfaction. This can be a hard instinct to overcome. But, failing to overcome resistance leads to tension, stress, and conflict.
Here are a few steps using mindfulness strategies to take you to your capacity for being with what is rather than getting caught in resisting what is:
Learn to observe resistance when it arises. It will show up as a negative thought or judgement; as fear, anger or frustration; and as tension in the body.
As soon as you notice resistance say the word YES. Moving towards the affirmative helps dilute the resistance. You can say to yourself: Yes I don’t like this, Yes I am unhappy with this, Yes I don’t agree with this.
Extend getting to acceptance by saying: and so it is, or I can be with this. You may have to repeat this!
In this simple process you are building the capacity to stay in observing awareness rather than having your peace and happiness disrupted by resistance.
Then watch the results of staying out of resistance. It is magical. Stress reduces because I am not fighting something I cannot change. Conflict reduces because you have not incited resistance in whatever or whom ever you are being with. Remember resistance ignites more resistance. When resistance is not present there may be detachment, openness, safety, curiosity, even connection. We are replacing the practice of doing battle with the practice of remaining relational and present with what is. This is a very powerful practice, I hope you will make some new discoveries of its power.
