“Cool, Calm and Connected”
/The Need for Connection in Parenting
By: Debra Boblooch, LCPC, LCPAT
As a mother of three young children, it can be challenging to meet all their needs all the time. Someone inevitably must wait their turn, their chance to chime in on the topic of conversation, or simply connect-whether that be physical (a hug, hand holding) or just spending time with me. As I have navigated what seems like constant growth and development of these young minds as a mom, I remember discussing with my pediatrician the challenges I was facing in terms of outbursts, meltdowns and what appeared to be dysregulation. She said something to me that has stuck throughout the years, particularly during pivotal adjustment and transition times which was… “try your best to find 15 minutes of daily connection time”.
As a therapist who focuses on treating children and adolescents, I emphasize a connection-based approach throughout my sessions and use it to educate parents, caregivers and families as a modality to aid in behavior change and tackling the root of the issues. Connected parenting combines limit setting and boundary creating along with gentleness, close attachment, love and connection. The ability to strengthen a parent-child relationship through connection will result in a child to feel heard, feel seen, validated, and ultimately heal big emotions that they are experiencing. Learning a more mindful approach to parenting to make “connections before corrections” can improve the child’s ability to regulate feelings and externalize them safely and efficiently.
When a child is experiencing big emotions, their brains are activated typically resulting in a “fight/ flight” response. At this moment they are unable to access the ability to comprehend when a parent or caregiver is attempting (with good intention) to reason with them or explain the consequences of their actions. Instead, try connecting with the child by welcoming their feelings, listening and empathizing. This creates safety. Once the child feels safe, they will begin to feel more relaxed, cooperative and ultimately closer to you. Slowing down and listening not only shows the child that you are showing up for them by being fully present, but it also will allow for you to see things from their perspective. By mindfully choosing to connect over reacting or attempting to rationalize with the child in the heat of the moment will help you to see the reasons for the behavior and aid in regulation of your own emotions.
Remaining “cool, calm and connected” can be really challenging when anger is present among a child. But by staying patient and calm in the face of their anger is key if you want the more vulnerable feelings to surface (sadness, fear). Ask yourself, do you have to resolve the problem right then? No. Just listen and acknowledge feelings. Remind yourself that connection starts by listening and embracing or offering a hug can go a long way too. I continue to strive to find 15 minutes daily to connect with each of my littles, whether that be bedtime chats, bathtime play, or holding hands while walking around the house. My intention to connect more initially sprung from a desire to seek guidance on how to handle toddler meltdowns and dysregulated behaviors but quickly shifted into a daily habit aiding me in becoming a more present and regulated mother.
